The parking lot echoes with the sound of passing cars. What is left from the snow fall crunches beneath my boots. Every story begins like this, I think, as I pull my suitcase through the slush. It begins with this feeling. Sometimes, it comes from the cold clouds blanketing the sky or the sun hitting my rear view mirror at just the right angle. It's that feeling of something ending and beginning at the same time. It emphasizes the cycle of life within the dust of my soul. Jon will find my car keys on his kitchen counter. I left them there this morning while he was sleeping. When he finds them, he will know that the car is his to keep. We had an understanding, Jon and I. He'll know that I won't be back. The left wheel on my suitcase is coming lose. It catches on a crack in the uneven sidewalk, jolting my quick steps to a halt. I tug and negotiate with the ground by flinging the suitcase handle up and down through the air, impatiently. The wheel comes out and sends the suitcase flying, with me behind it, off the curb and into a gutter stop. I sit there with my feet in the gutter for minutes before finally clambering out and hauling my suitcase back onto the side walk. Now the lose wheel is squeaking. Months ago I would have bought a new suitcase. Today, I could drop this suitcase over the San Francisco bridge and watch it splash into the the expanse of water below. And I would take a mental picture, as I walked away, at the beauty of that splash. I wouldn't even buy a new one. I pull my luggage into the Greyhound station. Today, my squeaky wheel will only eat away at the fellow travelers. And I'm right. I watch the pretentious mother sitting by the door bore a hole through my worn suitcase. I watch the twitch in her right eye, daring my luggage to wake her sleeping three year old. The man beside her is stretched out across two chairs with a diaper bag in his lap, snoring. My luggage goes unnoticed by him until his wife's maternal twitch turns into an elbow jab in his ribs. He sniffs and rubs his face. I continue to pass them, fully aware of the squeaking wheel and my pant hems drenched in gutter slush. She reaches for the diaper bag. Maybe I'm wrong, I think. Maybe, I am the only one who can hear my squeaky wheel. Jon had told me that this would happen, that I'd never forgive myself until I left. "Go already," he would say. "Stop lying to yourself." And I knew he was right. I knew I was only scared of letting go, of losing myself, of losing him even. I had been sacrificing freedom for stability. Perhaps, I was only scared that I would begin to hear those internal wheels loosen because it is the squeak that pierces your ears before you let go. I'm ready for this to be over now, I tell myself. The bus is pulling up, but I'm watching the homeless man just outside the front door. I hear the breaks screech and I breathe in the fumes from the exhaust coming inside as passengers file out to load their bags. Then, squeak, squeak, I struggle out the front door toward the man with the sign asking for more in life. "I want less," I say. "Here." I lean my baggage against the wall beside him and I walk away. I take the long way around and breathe in the cool air, savoring the scent of fuel, the feeling of freedom, then I step onto the bus. Blog by Nakita Bickle, July 17, 2017
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Thanks to my baby sister for being such a natural model! Photo Cred: Me Model: Liezel Bickle Blog By Nakita Bickle, April 24, 2017
For a very large chunk of my life, every Sunday, as communion grew closer, my stomach would knot up inside of me. I was terrified of doing it wrong. What if I forgot to confess one of my sins? What if I remembered one immediately after taking the cup and eating the bread? Was I doomed to hell for taking communion while still a sinner? When I first attended St. Helena's Episcopal church of Boerne Texas, I was nervous about communion too. The readings, the responses, and the corporate prayers were all new to this Baptist-raised girl. Then: communion. My stomach tightened. Have I confessed all of my sins to God? Am I in the right place to take this cup or should I take a blessing instead? Am I worthy? Am I guilty? "We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies." Book of Common Prayer, Holy Eucharist I 337 Participating in Holy Eucharist [communion] at St. Helena's changed my life in that it changed my entire view on communion. After reading the given scriptures and listening to the Reverend speak, my heart slowly began to unwind, Sunday after Sunday, until one day I approached the alter, with tears of gratitude and joy in my eyes for all that my Savior had done for me and continues to do. A friend once told me that the point of communion is to commune with God. I think I finally believed her that day. Communion is the time of the week when I intentionally remember to receive from God. Even on the days that I didn't take the bread and drink the wine, I went up to the alter, knelt before God, and received Him. And that's what it's all about. It's remembering the truth of the Gospel, exactly what St. Helena sought after. It's remembering that nothing can separate you from the love of God, not demons or death or sin. It's understanding that this is grace. It's receiving all of it and Him. Wether you take the wine and bread, or ask for a blessing, or remain in your seat doesn't matter all that much. What matters is that you remember these things. Because I know that I participate not by my own strength or good deeds, but by God's mercy and grace, because I come humbly and ready to receive, I know that I can take communion with boldness and joy. Communion has become a celebration of God and His son and the beautiful relationship that they extend to us as I remember their -and now also my- story. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8 Today, communion is my favorite part of Sunday. I have included Holy Eucharist Rite I from my Book of Common Prayer below. The church does not follow this exact Rite every Sunday, but I thought this would be a good start for sharing. If you want more, comment below and I will share more! The Word of God A hymn, psalm, or anthem may be sung. The people standing, the Celebrant may say Blessed be God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. People And blessed be his kingdom, now and for ever. Amen. In place of the above, from Easter Day through the Day of Pentecost Celebrant Alleluia. Christ is risen. People The Lord is risen indeed. Alleluia. In Lent and on other penitential occasions Celebrant Bless the Lord who forgiveth all our sins; People His mercy endureth for ever. The Celebrant says Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid: Cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of thy Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy holy Name; through Christ our Lord. Amen. Holy Eucharist I 323 The Holy Communion The Celebrant may begin the Offertory with one of the sentences on pages 343-344, or with some other sentence of Scripture. During the Offertory, a hymn, psalm, or anthem may be sung. Representatives of the congregation bring the people’s offerings of bread and wine, and money or other gifts, to the deacon or celebrant. The people stand while the offerings are presented and placed on the Altar. The Great Thanksgiving An alternative form will be found on page 340. Eucharistic Prayer I The people remain standing. The Celebrant, whether bishop or priest, faces them and sings or says The Lord be with you. People: And with thy spirit. Celebrant: Lift up your hearts. People: We lift them up unto the Lord. Celebrant: Let us give thanks unto our Lord God. It is meet and right so to do. Then, facing the Holy Table, the Celebrant proceeds It is very meet, right, and our bounden duty, that we should at all times, and in all places, give thanks unto thee, O Lord, holy Father, almighty, everlasting God. Here a Proper Preface is sung or said on all Sundays, and on other occasions as appointed. Therefore with Angels and Archangels, and with all the company of heaven, we laud and magnify thy glorious Name; evermore praising thee, and saying, Celebrant and People Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of Hosts: Heaven and earth are full of thy glory. Glory be to thee, O Lord Most High. Here may be added Blessed is he that cometh in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest. The people kneel or stand. Then the Celebrant continues All glory be to thee, Almighty God, our heavenly Father, for that thou, of thy tender mercy, didst give thine only Son Jesus Christ to suffer death upon the cross for our redemption; who made there, by his one oblation of himself once offered, a full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice, oblation, and satisfaction, for the sins of the whole world; and did institute, and in his holy Gospel command us to continue, a perpetual memory of that his precious death and sacrifice, until his coming again. At the following words concerning the bread, the Celebrant is to hold it, or lay a hand upon it; and at the words concerning the cup, to hold or place a hand upon the cup and any other vessel containing wine to be consecrated
Wherefore, O Lord and heavenly Father, according to the institution of thy dearly beloved Son our Savior Jesus Christ, we, thy humble servants, do celebrate and make here before thy divine Majesty, with these thy holy gifts, which we now offer unto thee, the memorial thy Son hath commanded us to make; having in remembrance his blessed passion and precious death, his mighty resurrection and glorious ascension; rendering unto thee most hearty thanks for the innumerable benefits procured unto us by the same. And we most humbly beseech thee, O merciful Father, to hear us; and, of thy almighty goodness, vouchsafe to bless and sanctify, with thy Word and Holy Spirit, these thy gifts and creatures of bread and wine; that we, receiving them according to thy Son our Savior Jesus Christ’s holy institution, in remembrance of his death and passion, may be partakers of his most blessed Body and Blood. And we earnestly desire thy fatherly goodness mercifully to accept this our sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving; most humbly beseeching thee to grant that, by the merits and death of thy Son Jesus Christ, and through faith in his blood, we, and all thy whole Church, may obtain remission of our sins, and all other benefits of his passion. And here we offer and present unto thee, O Lord, our selves, our souls and bodies, to be a reasonable, holy, and living sacrifice unto thee; humbly beseeching thee that we, and all others who shall be partakers of this Holy Communion, may worthily receive the most precious Body and Blood of thy Son Jesus Christ, be filled with thy grace and heavenly benediction, and made one body with him, that he may dwell in us, and we in him. And although we are unworthy, through our manifold sins, to offer unto thee any sacrifice, yet we beseech thee to accept this our bounden duty and service, not weighing our merits, but pardoning our offenses, through Jesus Christ our Lord; By whom, and with whom, in the unity of the Holy Ghost, all honor and glory be unto thee, O Father Almighty, world without end. AMEN. And now, as our Savior Christ hath taught us, we are bold to say, People and Celebrant Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen. The Breaking of the Bread The Celebrant breaks the consecrated Bread. A period of silence is kept. Then may be sung or said [Alleluia.] Christ our Passover is sacrificed for us; Therefore let us keep the feast. [Alleluia.] In Lent, Alleluia is omitted, and may be omitted at other times except during Easter Season. The following or some other suitable anthem may be sung or said here O Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world, have mercy upon us. O Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world, have mercy upon us. O Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world, grant us thy peace. The following prayer may be said. The People may join in saying this prayer We do not presume to come to this thy Table, O merciful Lord, trusting in our own righteousness, but in thy manifold and great mercies. We are not worthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under thy Table. But thou art the same Lord whose property is always to have mercy. Grant us therefore, gracious Lord, so to eat the flesh of thy dear Son Jesus Christ, and to drink his blood, that we may evermore dwell in him, and he in us. Amen. Facing the people, the Celebrant may say the following Invitation The Gifts of God for the People of God. and may add Take them in remembrance that Christ died for you, and feed on him in your hearts by faith, with thanksgiving. The ministers receive the Sacrament in both kinds, and then immediately deliver it to the people. The Bread and the Cup are given to the communicants with these words The Body of our Lord Jesus Christ, which was given for thee, preserve thy body and soul unto everlasting life. Take and eat this in remembrance that Christ died for thee, and feed on him in thy heart by faith, with thanksgiving. The Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, which was shed for thee, preserve thy body and soul unto everlasting life. Drink this in remembrance that Christ’s Blood was shed for thee, and be thankful. or with these words The Body (Blood) of our Lord Jesus Christ keep you in everlasting life. [Amen.] or with these words The Body of Christ, the bread of heaven. [Amen.] The Blood of Christ, the cup of salvation. [Amen.] During the ministration of Communion, hymns, psalms, or anthems may be sung. Holy Eucharist I 333-338 Blog By Nakita Bickle, April 21, 2017
Thanks to my baby brother for being such a fun model to work with! You can find more of his art (aka sense of humor) on youtube at the username 508hunter, here. Photo Creds: Me Model & Costume: 508hunter Blog By Nakita Bickle, April 13, 2017
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